Wysteria and Steriods

Lust...isn't it disgusting. Last night my family had a massive grill and chill with neighbors and friends which is always interesting. The dynamic could be easily described as several sets of unhappily marriages where in most cases the men act like frat boys and the women plagued by overspending. Leading them to be wrapping in the shallow, shopaholic narcissist creatures that much of pop-culture yearns for us to be. One of the neighbors, Anna just announced to her husband that she has had not 1 but 2 affairs on him. Both of her suitors were friends of her husband's...not just acquaintances either which just adds salt to the wounds. It was super uncomfortable to be around them because anyone knows that adultery is wrong yet I felt for her. She was suspicious of him having an affair with one of his coworkers, and he travels a ton. No excuses though, but she is the girl who didn't go to college, married "up" in life at a very young age (21), and has the lowest self-esteem on the planet. One of those girls who will never think their beautiful and the recognition comes from drinks purchased by males at a bar or any other sort of outsider attention diaplayed in her dashing honor.

Last night it was evident that the marriage limbo is in full force. He called her any name under the sun and he was doing last night in front of all of us. She is willing to work it out but is it really worth it to be a prisoner in your own home? She mentioned that when they "make love" its a complete dominating act belittling her to shreds. Who wants to feel captive in that way? I can't even imagine.

Another housewife, Joy came to our home for after dinner drinks because nobody likes her in the neighborhood they only like hanging out with her husband. She plops down without saying hello to me, my friend, or Anna as her husband diligently serves her a beer. She immediately starts pipping in about how she lost her job and then the competition fought for her so hard blah blah. Now she has a set up where she works at home and life is just fucking peachy. Thank you bitch bc I just lost my job and I've now slammed 3 beers as you carried on with your success story smother session in our faces.

She went on the say she had to take ulcer meds for a while because life was so stressful...or maybe its the bottle or two of wine you slap down after a hard day event planning? I finally ask, "You're in good health now thought right?" She ignores me.

WTF LADY! You're in my family's house and you're going to ignore me? So rude coming out of a 50 year old leathery pile of washed up sorostitute has-been days.

She goes on to say that her twin girls (whom I adore) will be going on to private school next fall for their first year in high school. The mother mentions that while at a hair appointment the stylist said that the private school girls were always the most fun. Tons of money and always breaking the rules bc they had been raised so strictly. Joy proceeds to say, "Not my daughters!" Yeah right lady. Keep them under a magnifying glass and they'll come out rebellious hookers from going insane due to your constant surveillance.

Why do we pretend to be nice? Isn't life too short? I can't stand living at home because I never know who is friends week-to-week. Again, this is just the tip of the iceburg but I'm willing to bet my neighborhood aka Wysteria on 'roids could give those Desperate Housewives a run for their picket fence money.

Tossed by Ross

Hello out there,

I got fired last Wednesday and I didn't think it would jar me as much as it has. In essence I got fucked in every angle possible. My newly former coworker might as well been permanently placed on her tit. He basically is an alcohol abusing, chewing tobacco spitting, pot smoking (yes he smoked pot in front of me twice on work trips) and sexually harassing pompous pile of pig dung from beneath a Bangkok hooker's sandal (if she can afford a pair?)

This was the type of job that had very appealing face value and little to back up the glossy pitch. If anything I learned is if it appears to be too good too be true it definitely fucking is. My boss came in after she invited everyone else in the office out to lunch and terminated me. I of course asked why, and she blubbered from her triple chin (woman is barely breaking 5ft and pushing 350) that I wasn't bringing my A-game to the table and I appeared to not have genuine interested at heart while working at her company. BULLSHIT.

WHAT THE HELL- I Gave the sales guy a couple leads in order to build the business client base that week, always asked for more to do, and if I made a mistake it was easily corrected and never committed twice. My thought process for this termination is that the POS trainer, Ross flipped the Southern trip...he got drunk and pinned me on a bed after I exited his bathroom in which he opened the door on me and saw my tan lined ass. I didn't file anything because
1. There is no HR
2. She probably would have fired me anyways bc she loves him
3. She would have viewed me as a threat bc Ross couldn't handle himself around me
4. Ross said the next morning that he BLACKED OUT and has no recollection of the night prior
5. Drinking on a work night is a NO NO, and our boss is a former alcoholic with a JD great.

So I get fired and can only hope that KARMA takes care of this bullshit...speaking of bullshit, The sales guy at this company said that it will take a year to learn this business. I GOT 2 MONTHS. 2! WTF! Side note: the longest standing employee with this 17 year company is the sale guy who just hit his year anniversary...pssssh

So, I called one of my best friends and then about 10 more. Walked around Lake Calhoun, got a call from my best gal Elle- her bf and her call it quits (wow ironic we get shitty news on the same day within an hour or so of each other) went home, got drunk, and then signed up for insurance licensing classes.

NOW this insurance gig- my parents are independent agents and this is what I have been avoiding since the beginning of time. I DO NOT WANT TO FALL BACK ON MY PARENTS FOR A CAREER. I am such a stubborn person and I need to pave my own path in order to feel satisfied. The reality is everything doesn't go as planned. I took a risk and got fired. Now its back to the drawing board for me... WHICH IS VERY SCARY.

How in the hell do you pave your own way without being able to answer the simple question,
"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?"

The more and more I talk to my very level headed wonderful friend Ellen- the more I realize less might be more for me. Do I want to ride the waves of the corporate grind or maybe find some waves on a sailboat instead?

I pray that getting tossed by Ross will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
OH MY GATOZ

Cowboy up

Here is a random story from 2005.

I was studying abroad and midterm break was coming up my bday fell upon the middle of this break and I insisted on spending it in Barcelona... we (my friend Anna from High School who was also studying abroad and I) had a week off which turned into 2 by events of the unimaginable.

We start off by negotiating that we'll spend a couple days in Nice, France- which you should put on your bucket list. A quick list of our adventures in Nice.

-Stayed in an old monestary...creepy with cheapo wine.
-Monte Carlo Casino- won a shit load of money proceeded to..
-teach a French lady to make a tequila sunrise...that became the drink of the day on her chalk board from maybe the 18th century
-Proceed to celebrate aka catch a ride on the gazillion $ yachts in a nearby port by skinny dipping
-Get nearly arrested by French police who pull our NAKED drunk asses out of the port
-Head to the Picasso museum in Atibes, France
-Hop the train back to Nice...
-Accidently find out the train is heading EAST to PISA, ITALY...2 other Americans made the same mistake on the train
-Hop off train in Ventamille, Italy. Drink some wine on the beach to wait for the train back WEST to Nice, France
- Get back to Nice. Grab our belongings/luggage out of storage lockers that almost were being closed down...(if closed would have lost our belongings for a 5 day trip ahead)
- Walk across the street for a bite to eat while we wait for a night train to Barcelona.
-Meet Jeff from San Fransico, Ca. Lunberjack company owner hot, buff, and into me.
-Take train to Barcelona and stay up all night with Jeff listening to his ipod, chain smoking, and sipping wine with light soft kisses...my birthday was at midnight on the train.
-Next morning arrive in Barcelona...don't have a reservation...follow other back packers out of train station to a famous hostel...
-Walk into hostel get checked in...head to our room...
-Enter room...15 bunk beads...a skinny white boy with a trucker hat, aviators, and green boxers hops out of his bunk...
-Cowboy, "Hey ya'll welcome to Barcelona."

Cowboy and I immediately hit it off. Ironically that night Jeff from the train joined me for my birthday dinner...he ends up being a douchebag and cowboy stayed around to pounce. I didn't play it safe. Dove right in. Turns out he was "on leave" from Iraq...aka on vacation. He didn't want to go home bc leaving again would have been harder. Things were perfect. Instant connection and never ending smiles out of this girl. ;)

When my last night of Barcelona rolled around...we decided to go out "lightly." Lightly turned into Anna getting roofied and waking up in a room next door to ours on 8 mattresses piled up like princess and the pea. Her lips looked like a platypus. I slept through my alarm, and if I didn't she wouldn't have been able to fly. Turns out nothing ie. rape happened thanks to Cowboy's friend who helped her out, Marshall. Marshall and Cowboy, both from Texas. Total charmers and comrades. We're all friends to this day.

So in essence we missed the flight, continued to fall in love, and penpal-ed til he came home to the USA. We dated for over 2 years things unravelled and that's where the Chuck nasty comes in... right after Cowboy.

Cowboy, quite possibly the fairytale nobody expects to happen, but it didn't last as much as I wanted it to. It's fresh and wonderful to say you fell in love with a soldier in Barcelona. Like I said we're all friends to this day. He's a huge part of my life as I am in his. Bridge never burned and a friendship everlasting.

I can only hope you find a former lover and friend like I did, but beware...are you falling in love with the cowboy or the story? In my case I think it was more the story than really taking the leap to Cowboy up.

Oh my gatoz!

Chucked

Well hello out there. I haven't blogged or taken an English class in ages so apologies for the casual writing and or sentence structure if I so happen to rant...which inevitably happen, hence the title "Oh my gatoz!" And yes, I know gatos is with an "s", but some clever peon took it already.

Let's get started. My blog is to tell you a little bit about my ever-so-fucked up adventures on this wave we ride called LIFE. I tend to drink too heavily, love to quickly, analyze obsessively and basically abandon my best interest for someone else's hence making common mistakes that a lot of 20 something females yearning for love in all of the wrong places make.

So, you ask why in the hell would I read this? Well my stories wrap around to bitch slap me 1,000 miles away and 3 years down the road. Let's meet my life changing crash of a disaster Chuck.

Chuck was supposed to be just an average college rebound from a shitty relationship. That was October 2006. Bravo! Charming, good looking, educated, dangerous, powerful, and sexual tension of some magnificent force unexplainable to this date. The hormones raging for a month I finally gave in on a mild November Tuesday after too many shots and beers. Great.

The love to hate him sexual drive continued after he graduated. He moved to a metropolitan area where we both grew up in near suburbs. To cut to the chase we would get together everytime I had an interview in the city. This dysfunctional hooking up went on for a couple years until I graduated college and moved back to the city...where we both now live.

Not surprisingly during this mattress mambo stint I became attached, emotional, and he an animal. Not much cuddling, pillow talk, or communication of any sort. We would either fight or fuck...nothing inbetween. Basically two strangers engaging in outlandish acts of passion without anything as a foundation other than hatred towards one another.

He had no respect. He tried to sleep with my friend of 15 years...which we'll get to her later. Call her, Ginny. Remember that name.
Anywho- they both claim nothing happened, but when you find your fling of 2 years and your friend of 15 yrs in a bed- fully clothed in the morning...something is off. Mind you about 5-7 bottles of wine consumed amongst a crew of abar patrons at his massive home, but blackout or not my eyes didn't lie to me. He banged me 5-7 hours earlier that night and then hops in her bed. Gross.

This hate became evident a couple months later when he and I bumped into a bar downtown the night after a session...yes, I was dumb enough to go back to him for Valentines after all the Ginny shit went down. That night he drank like a frat boy and attacked my male birthday friend I was celebrating with. Calling me "fat, a kniver, and wishing death upon me." I leave the bar with my bday friend who has now been attacked as have I...hop in a cab...bday boy talks so much shit to the cabby we get kicked out of the taxi.

Mind you it's -20 out in February where I'm from. In the middle of downtown Sahara no life around at 3am. Finally after a frost bitten jont down to major cross roads we find a man who is getting into a cab...proceed to ask to share and he kindly lets us join him. As my belligerent bday pal is raging about Chuck attacking him... the man we are sharing the cab with asks what Chuck we're speaking about. It so happens we're sharing a cab with Chuck's bestfriend's brother, Jim.
Jim calls Chuck saying he has a very angry gal and guy sharing a cab with him...the world is small is it not?

Moving right along. My personal favorite. I'm out on the east coast for business. I meet up with a gal who Chuck and I went to college with- not very close friends but enough where she met me for daydrinking and lunch...annnnnd dinner. As we're chatting she mentions she just got back from my city. The purpose of her trip was for her to find a spot for her to open a business...she proceeds to tell me all of her fun including late nights and wild times in suburb x... Chuck's from suburb x!!! My mind starts fuming. I ask, "So, did you get the final touches on the business plan ironed out." Her response, " (she coughs on her burger) Didn't really have time to discuss business with him." I play cool the next 7 hours, and by cool I mean drank heavily trying to keep it together.

She ends up spending the next 5 hours with me swooning on their moments together- having no idea I'd been hooking up with him... to make matters worse as if they could get any more so, she ended up having both of her credit cards denied and I had to buy the chick dinner.

These stories are barely scratching the surface. My friend got me a taroh card reading recently...the taroh card reader was telling me accurate events, problems, and vacations coming up- how to handle them, what to do...how my health and general life looked. Then of course the juicy relationship jibber jabber came along...she described the above events to a "T" down to almost every detail and then finishes the session by saying, "Katie you're both playing a dangerous game, he is your soulmate." I immediately head to the nearest women's shop and bought a vibrator.

No orgasm is worth what he has said, done, and put me through. BUT if he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow with a million flowers, apologies, and begging for my love. I would fold like laundry on Sunday.

fantabulous, oh my gatoz!